Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Herald's Chicken: HPHS to explode "dirty" bomb at DH
posted by Peter Rossi
The Herald has learned that members of the Hyde Park Hysterical Society plan to explode a "dirty" atomic bomb on the grounds of the abandoned Doctor's Hospital.
Society spokesman, J. Seek Limelight, explained, "We were successful in scaring the Alderman into yanking the rug out from under plans for a hotel. But that was only temporary, the evil University might change Alderman Will O. Wisp's views."
"If the site is radioactive, no development could occur for ninety-three Years. We want insure that this site remains abandoned for generations to come. Historical buildings should not be sullied by human use."
At a recent secret meeting, members voted to devote the society's entire treasury of $3.55 to the purchase of bomb-grade materials. Several members searched the internet for a little known pamphlet, "The Argonne Guide to Nuclear Terrorism." Experts in Farsi are being sought to decipher the guide, if found.
A plan to blackmail authorities for landmark status was considered in view of the shortage of funds and expertise. "That will be our fallback position. For now, we plan on going ahead with the bombing. We are considering hijacking a NATO bomber with a nuclear payload and landing it in Lake Michigan near the 63rd Street beach," noted Jay Blueberry, chair of the Society's Committee on Non-Violent Historical Preservation.
When pressed on the historical significance of Doctor's Hospital, Mr. Blueberry cited the age of the hospital and its unique character. "Most of the old State Mental Hospital buildings are gone. Doctor's Hospital is one of the last surviving examples of uninspired institutional architecture."
After a snacking on numerous brownies, society members adjourned to Doc Films to view a double feature of Dr. Strangelove and Thunderball in order to pick up tips on the nuclear game.
Striking a bold pose, Society President Cuthbert Clueless winked and proclaimed "We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when."