Future Tense: Hyde Park Hotel Dedicated on Former Hospital Site

posted by Richard Gill

Chicago – Apr. 8, 2010

Mayor Richard M. Daley today cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the new Marriott Diplomat Hotel and Resort complex at 58th & Stony Island, in Chicago's trendy Hyde Park neighborhood. The 15-story hotel is the centerpiece of a new US State Department conference and trade negotiation facility that will bring high-ranking officials to Chicago from all parts of the globe.

Also officiating at the opening was State Department Third Deputy Secretary for Economic Affairs Jim Oberweis, a Republican recruited by the Obama administration as part of its across-the-aisle outreach program. Oberweis has unsuccessfully run for Congress 37 times in his west suburban district.

Oberweis said, "This marvelous new facility will definitely make Hyde Park the premier visitor destination in all of Chicagoland."

"Not only does Hyde Park have excellent ground transportation, which is a 'must' for a major hotel, but the helipad on the south end of the hotel roof will enable guests to arrive at and depart from the hotel by air at any time of day or night," Oberweis said.

The Marriott hotel has 380 standard rooms, 32 luxury suites, three restaurants, a wine bar, a sports bar, two taverns, and a micro-brewery. In 2008, the immediate area was voted dry, in a hotly contested election. In February 2009, the land was deeded to the Federal Corrections Department. Federalizing the property voided the 'dry' designation of the site. Corrections wanted to construct a two-story prison to house 250 inmates in a pioneering work-release program in Hyde Park. Neighbors immediately complained that the prisoners would use up all the best parking spaces, would create massive congestion issues, and that the chain-link fence would alter local air currents.

Community activist Lainne Stopit-Gregge told reporters, "We're not against prisons at this site. We're just against this prison. Maybe they should build it across the Midway or at Harper Court."

Stopit-Gregge's sentiments were echoed by Zack "Prez" Szpisczer, who said, "We welcome prisoners of all stripes. But these prisoners just aren't a good fit for Hyde Park."

Then, in a remark not intended to be overheard, Szpisczer elbowed Stopit-Gregge in the ribs and snickered, "Get it, huh? Stripes. Prisoners."

A local resident, who asked to remain anonymous discussing sensitive issues, said Szpisczer's nickname comes from his penchant for preserving everything. "He [Szpisczer] is not 'the prez' of anything," the neighbor said.

Responding to neighbors' objections, the Feds offered the hotel as an alternative. The neighbors' persistent worries about parking were addressed by inclusion of a 500-space, six-story free parking garage behind the hotel and above the Metra tracks.

Leading the campaign for community acceptance of the hotel was Morsch Hanselbach, owner of the MuddyCheee restaurant on 57th Street. In the new hotel, Hanselbach also owns the MuddyCheee II restaurant, the sports bar and the micro-brewery.

Herald's Chicken: How to Write a Slanted Account of the DH Meeting

posted by Peter Rossi

The NIMBYs who oppose a hotel on the Doctor's Hospital site were hopping mad after the August 5th "community" meeting. There were a number of people who had the temerity to question the knee jerk "preservation" and "congestion" arguments trotted out by various Harper Ave regulars. Even the 5th ward alderman was showing signs of a backbone on this issue.

I can only imagine the panic in the air during the weekly "editorial" meetings with Herald staff. Aren't we going to be forced to reveal some of the truth about Doctor's Hospital? Not to worry, our trusty Herald reporters and editors will figure a way to downplay the bad news and distort the account of the meeting.

Once again, the Herald came thru with a doozy ("Drs. Hospital, take 2"). All of the tricks of the trade are present in this minor masterpiece of distortion:

1. reversing the order of importance of the events at the meeting

2. selective omission of important facts

3. paint the Harper boys as heroes and the White Lodging executive as evil and slippery

4. Misquote where possible

5. Don't actually do any reporting (such as interviewing people and questioning them on the logical and factual basis for their assertions).

6. Don't report rude behavior and rather insane or inane remarks from opponents.

For the facts, read Richard Gill's post below this one. DO NOT read the Herald story as it might be hazardous to your judgment!

The article starts out with a couple of paragraphs on how the community and Leslie Hairston shoed away evil White Lodging and they came crawling back in the person of Scott Travis.

I don't really know what happened to tip the Alderman but I suspect that what this is all about is that White Lodging didn't put in time in Alderman Hairston's throne room. This has nothing to do with community protests as it is clear that nothing really has changed in the year or so since the original community farce. The Herald claims that White Lodging "clashed" with community "denizens" (are these small animals found at the bottom of ponds?). This sounds like White Lodging running roughshod over residents. What happened is a few cranks shouted down reasonable discourse with nonsense about the "historic" value of this eyesore and concerns that they wouldn't be able to put those chairs out in Harper Ave to reserve their personal parking spaces.

The real news from the August 5th meeting is twofold: 1. Alderman Hairston sees the writing on the wall - it's White Lodging or nothing (where is the long line of folks willing to pony up $70 million?) and 2. there are large number of responsible people in the community who would love to see White Lodging build a hotel. A subplot is that preservation of DH is dead. Preservation advocates have consistently refused to explain why this mediocre relic of institutional architecture is worth saving. If this wasn't obvious before the meeting, it sure is now!

To get the real news from the Herald story you have to turn to the continuation on page 3 and wade thru several attempts to disguise this important fact. In paragraph 10 of 19, Ms. Hawley asserts that the "majority favored development." Of course, our NIMBYs claim they favor "development," you see, just not development as White Lodging proposes it. The fact is that a very substantial group of people (I think about 1/2 of the attendees once you subtract the outside labor organizers in the red t-shirts) want a modern hotel and would like to see DH torn down.

The "preservationists" have tried to spread the impression that "preservation" is possible and might even be cheaper by virtue of tax credits. The Herald fell for this tact, hook, line and sinker. In fact, the paper was so eager to advance this point of view that words were put into Landmarks Illinois president Jim Peter's mouth. The story incorrectly asserts that Peters claimed "federal tax credits ... would make a hotel conversion cost-effective." Mr. Peters did not say this. As he is well aware, this would be irresponsible to say as there are no cost estimates for "conversion" or "reuse" plans. Mr. Peters did bring up the tax credits but was careful not to make the leap of faith. As we all know, tax credits for building gold mountains don't mean that gold mountains are cost-effective.

The Herald also choose to omit one of the most persuasive speakers, a spokesman for the Museum of Science and Industry. She told the group that visitors to the museum are constantly asking about nearby hotel accommodations and that MSI staff have to refer them downtown. In addition, the museum offered its 1500 space underground parking garage as overflow for valet parking.

The selective omission continues as the Herald reports that residents of Vista Homes asked for environmental and traffic studies. This is correct but the Herald fails to report that there was a traffic study done by White Lodging that showed minimal impact and that an environmental study was done prior to the U of Chicago purchase.

Sometimes, the Herald just gets plain frustrated that people are not towing the NIMBY line and quotes are fabricated. One of the most ridiculous suggestions made by opponents of a hotel is that there should be a "masterplan" for development of Stony Island Avenue between 56th and 59th Streets. U of C Vice President Susan Campbell pointed out the absurdity of a "masterplan" for the west side (the east side is a park) of only three blocks and then patiently explained that the U doesn't own all of this property. Somehow all this was forgotten and Ms. Campbell is quoted as saying that a masterplan is "a good idea."

Just as the Herald saw fit to omit details of some of the most persuasive arguments for the hotel, the paper saw fit to omit the rude behavior and demagoguery of some of the opponents. The labor organizers attempted to disrupt the meeting by forcing a vote on whether the hotels would be a union shop. One particularly addled NIMBY cautioned that out of control Bar Mitzvahs might corrupt the Bret Harte kiddies. Longtime demagogue, Greg Lane, delivered a scripted speech about how we should demand "good" development not just "any" development. Mr. Lane was a little short on how he would raise $70 million for "good" development if we are not able to take the "dirty money" of White Lodging.

When NIMBYs don't like being confronted with the truth, they parody those who speak the truth. The preservationists were dealt a severe blow when it was pointed out to them by both Mr. Travis and Leon Finney that the DH is sort of a monument to racism. Built as a hospital for Illinois Central employees, the hospital had a policy of not admitting black patients. Of course, the Herald doesn't explain this fact as it might be verified by the reader. Instead, Mr. Travis is blamed -- "he tossed out another, previously unheard argument into the mix: the hospital has an ugly history of discrimination..." This way it is not clear whether or not assertion is true or just an invective from Mr. Travis.

The next paragraph detailing Leon Finney's support for the hotel and corroboration of the discrimination against blacks is cleverly written so that you have to dissect it carefully to see that Mr. Finney agreed with Mr. Travis. From "Finney" to "agreed" there are no less than 11 words. This remind me of Mark Twain's essay on how to read a German sentence -- go to the end and get the verb!

The NIMBYs didn't like Marcy Schlessinger's remarks about why the hotel is not reusable. We can't refute the fact that the SECC did study this, so let's paint her as biased by reminding folks that the SECC receives its funding from the U. Never mind that Ms. Schlessinger was there of her own volition and has no particular reason to be beholden to the U.

But the real problem with this article is that there is no actual reporting in it! A reporter should interview the various key players and do some homework. Ok, Mr. Preservationist why is this building historically significant? How much would your re-use proposal cost and why did White Lodging claim that it is not feasible? Ok, Mr. Travis, give me copies of your analysis of the re-use proposal and your traffic study. Ok, Ms. MSI give me an estimate of the number of rooms you could refer each year. Ok, Mr. Labor Organizer in the red t-shirt, what is your name and where do you live and are you being paid to attend this meeting? Give me documentation of the "shoddy labor practices" not rumors. Our own Chicago Pop did a little bit of reporting in just a few minutes and found out that there is no substantiation of these claims.

Is the Herald a newspaper or a NIMBY newsletter?

Herald's Chicken: Point Savers Enforce Swimming Ban

posted by Peter Rossi

Chicago Police are beefing up efforts to harass swimmers off of Promontory Point as part of a team effort with the Save the Point Task Force on preservation.

"The historic revetment is a 'living museum' and should not be sullied by these brazen swimmers," huffed Point Saver Spokesman Leon Lame-Brain. 

"Since May 2001, the evil Park District has offered to sanction deep water swimming off of the Point. We saw this ploy for what it is: an attempt to make the Point a usable park. We have rejected these plans out of hand for some time now,"  continued Mr. Lame-Brain.

Other preservationists on the task force questioned the political orientation of the swimming community.  "Swimming is a sport of the upper class.  Some of the swimmers have disturbing foreign accents.  We have even heard that professors and students at the elitist University of Chicago like to swim off the Point.  We are the arbiters of acceptable activities at the Point,"  commented one task force member who wished to remain anonymous. 

"Bicycling is a pursuit more suitable for the people," commented another task force member, mounting a new titanium road bike.

Task force members have teamed up with police to report swimmers.  "Not since the 68 convention has the Chicago Police Force distinguished itself with such a level of community service,"  declared task force president Don Veal.

"We have successfully delayed sanctioned swimming at the Point for more than eight years and intend to keep this unlawful activity out of our park forever.  This will require eternal vigilance," observed Mr. Veal.

Other members of the task force were not as optimistic. "We are concerned that the users of the Point may come to their senses and push for acceptance of the Compromise Plan.  This diabolical plan would allow for swimming, fix the Point, and restore the Caldwell landscaping.  We plan on redoubling our efforts to misrepresent the facts and dupe our elected officials," whispered Ms. Constance White-Nimby, task force co-chair.

While there is no evidence that Point Savers are calling in the Chicago Police, it is a fact that this group has fought plans by the Park District to fix the Point and create a sanctioned deep-water swimming area since May of 2001.  Sanctioned deep-water swimming and water access has been in every plan proposed by the City since May 2001.

Herald's Chicken: HPHS to explode "dirty" bomb at DH

posted by Peter Rossi

The Herald has learned that members of the Hyde Park Hysterical Society plan to explode a "dirty" atomic bomb on the grounds of the abandoned Doctor's Hospital.

Society spokesman, J. Seek Limelight, explained, "We were successful in scaring the Alderman into yanking the rug out from under plans for a hotel.  But that was only temporary, the evil University might change Alderman Will O. Wisp's views."

"If the site is radioactive, no development could occur for ninety-three Years.  We want insure that this site remains abandoned for generations to come.  Historical buildings should not be sullied by human use." 

At a recent secret meeting, members voted to devote the society's entire treasury of $3.55 to the purchase of bomb-grade materials.  Several members searched the internet for a little known pamphlet, "The Argonne Guide to Nuclear Terrorism."  Experts in Farsi are being sought to decipher the guide,  if found.

A plan to blackmail authorities for landmark status was considered in view of the shortage of funds and expertise.  "That will be our fallback position.  For now, we plan on going ahead with the bombing.   We are considering hijacking a NATO bomber with a nuclear payload and landing it in Lake Michigan near the 63rd Street beach,"  noted Jay Blueberry, chair of the Society's Committee on Non-Violent Historical Preservation.

When pressed on the historical significance of Doctor's Hospital, Mr. Blueberry cited the age of the hospital and its unique character.   "Most of the old State Mental Hospital buildings are gone.  Doctor's Hospital is one of the last surviving examples of uninspired institutional architecture."  

After a snacking on numerous brownies, society members adjourned to Doc Films to view a double feature of Dr. Strangelove and Thunderball in order to pick up tips on the nuclear game.

Striking a bold pose, Society President Cuthbert Clueless winked and proclaimed "We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when."

"Lake Front Task Force" Dissed by Super Friends

posted by chicago pop

Aquaman allegedly tells Sharonjoy A. Jackson to "go jump in the lake"

Anything with a name like "Lake Front Task Force" -- headed by Sharonjoy A. Jackson -- sounds like it should be renting a room for free at the Super Friends' Hall of Justice. Either that or doing really nasty things for the CIA in the the boiler room of Sharonjoy's high-rise. The goals of the Lake Front Task Force (LTF), in fact, are much more modest, and have to do with obtaining official recognition as neighborhood super heroes so they can bust up all the pimpin' over at Bar Louie.

Super Friends Hall of Justice (design by Aaron Cook)

Superman has apparently deleted Sharonjoy's formal superhero application, though he refused to comment for this story, leaving it to Aquaman to set us straight on just where Jackson stands with the Super Friends team. Aquaman rolled his eyes when informed of Jackson's request for a Super Friends-refereed mud-wrestling showdown between Jackson and nemesis 5th Ward Alderman Leslie A. Hairston, who has not applied for super hero status.

Jackson's super hero application, if granted, would have awarded her the power to assemble groups of more than 6 people, and to cryogenically freeze the 5th Ward Alderman, by magically shaking her booty at any community meeting, for possible resuscitation at a future point in time.

A copy of Jackson's application, anonymously leaked to HPP, detailed background information that Jackson felt qualified her to be an East Hyde Park Superhero. Much of this information has been made available in past issues of the Hyde Park Herald, or uttered in public at various community meetings.

Sharonjoy, who is a "registered voter," (Hyde Park Herald, March 12, 2008) has "$100 in her pocket" (November 2007 Co-Op Town Hall meeting), though she's worried that if she keeps it there she'll be jumped by all the crack-heads hanging out in front of Bar Louie. She schedules meetings during winter snowstorms that keep the people in her building from taking the elevator to come to the meetings because it's snowing out. She thinks Hyde Park has a lot of non-chain, local businesses that are threatened (count 'em!) by capitalism, and finds East-Hyde Park city-living to be "bucolic," that is, like the countryside in that it includes rustics and bumpkins, but does not include shepherds and pooping goats.

Sharonjoy Jackson: "Residents do not need to be persecuted!"

But most of all, she really likes the Herald: "We believe the Herald, its editor and staff, have an outstanding history of dealing with community issues and supporting the needs and interests of community residents (thank you)."

Whatever the Super Friends might think, I'm sure we can all agree on this last one.

Herald's Chicken: NIMBYs Discover the Internet

posted by Peter Rossi

Chastened by the results of the 53rd Street Vision Workshop, local NIMBYs and members of the HP-KFC are planning their own web survey on the development of Harper Court.

"We were disturbed by the broad cross-section of Hyde Parkers who participated in the Vision Workshop. We saw families and people of color who are not normally at our meetings held at the Hyde Park NIMBY Club," explained A. Robin, a group spokesperson.

"We want to have our say on the future of Harper Court. Normally, we would try to pack 'community meetings' with people sympathetic to our cause, but our alderman is trying to dis-enfranchise us by using other means of obtaining community sentiment," complained Jack B. Nimby, chair of the HP-KFC committee on historical irrelevance.

"Two can play at this game. We are going to administer a survey on our own terms," continued Mr. Nimby.

"We plan on careful screening of respondents to insure that only properly 'qualified' people have a chance to participate," explained Geof Rum, conference president. Screening criteria are under development but will include a requirement that the respondent have voted for Leon Despres in 1955 . Respondents must also be members of either the HP-KFC or the Hyde Park Hysterical Society.

The survey questionnaire will be designed by Leading Question, a graduate student in the Committee for Anarchist Thought at Chicago University. The Herald obtained a draft of the survey and we present a sampling of questions below:

1. Don't you want to carry forward the original and noble purpose of Harper Court?


2. Wouldn't you prefer local merchants who give back to our neighborhood to large, impersonal chain stores who carryout cash?


3. Isn't it generally true that developers are only interested in lining their own pockets?


4. Are you against the high-handed way Alderman Preckwinkle has tried to block community input?


5. Don't you want to keep rich Northsiders out of Hyde Park?

Respondents will also be asked to rate the importance of various attributes such as "space for impromptu meetings" and "banning chain stores" on a scale from "I will chain myself to a tree" to "I will toss a Molotov cocktail."

The web address for the survey is a closely held secret. To allow only "right-minded" NIMBYs to respond, the web address will be published in the Herald and posted in the East View Park laundry room. In addition, if you give the password, "swordfish," at the secret meeting room at Cosimo's restaurant, you can complete the survey on the Hans Memorial Mac.

This post is based on "Harper Court Survey plans near completion" published in the February 13, 2008 edition of the Herald.

Herald's Chicken: Tree Removal Irks Rainey Ave Homeowners

posted by Peter Rossi

Residents of Rainey Avenue are up in arms over removal of trees on the Illinois Central-owned embankment visible from their backyards.

"Not In My BackYard, they don't" declared Robin Krank of 5720 S. Rainey Ave. Ms. Krank admitted that the work was not actually done in her backyard but that of her neighbor across the street, Doris White-Nimby.

Ms. Krank maintains that falling debris from the tree removal threatens the ramshackle frame houses on the block. "One small branch could easily knock over my house," she said, noting that strict adherence to Preservation Guidelines means that few on the block repair the exterior of their homes.

Other residents chimed in that the large trees removed by IC crews shielded their view of the tracks. "For the past forty years, I was unaware that trains used the embankment. Now passengers on the train can spy on me and report to the House Committee on Un-American Activities," a concerned resident was heard to say.

Block spokesman, Leon T. Lame, accused the IC of using "clear-cut" tactics. "We know the ways of these evil corporations. They would just as soon slash and burn-out our whole block. We will stand together on this."

Mr. Lame contends that many are afraid to identify themselves to the press for fear of IC reprisals. "IC conductors will toss pea gravel down on us if we dare to speak out."

Nervous Nimby, a block resident for more than 50 years, claims that the railroad hoodwinked homeowners. "They sent a letter stating that 'only minor trimming will be done'." When asked by a Herald reporter to produce the notice, Mr. Nimby pointed at an envelope on his fireplace mantel. Further investigation revealed that this envelope contained a past-due gas bill.

Others cited the tree removal as environmentally dangerous. "In these days of global warming, we should keep our green canopy of trees," screamed a resident, backing an Expedition out of her driveway.

Still others questioned the methods of IC crews. "Instead of using chainsaws, the IC should use a natural means of removing trees. A few beavers could be relocated from Jackson Park."

Longtime resident, Hans Christian Forester, lamented the tree removal. "These were great trees," he said, likening the trees to California coastal redwoods. "These fools are replacing our beautiful trees with an invasive species -- highway grass."

When informed that the trees removed were an invasive species known as the Tree of Heaven or Ailanthus, Mr. Forester barked at this reporter, "are you on the IC payroll now, you stooge?"

The Hyde Park-Kenwood Forestry Conference convened a fact-finding meeting on the IC tracks. Before the meeting was broken up by the 5:10 to Flossmoor, residents counted two pigeons, four crows, and two rabid squirrels made homeless by the needless clear-cut. The HP-KFC will consider proposals to raise funds to provide shelter for these displaced animals.

IC forester, Smokeless Da Bear, took exception to the complaints of residents. "These people are never satisfied. Let these cranks buy their own trees. I can't decide whether to use Agent Orange or napalm next year. "

When questioned about claims that highway grass is an invasive species, Mr. Bear stated "what are you talking about? This is grass that grows near highways. Apparently, Mr. Forester hasn't read much about invasive species, which are often found in highway corridors but are not called highway grass."

This post was inspired by "Metra riles Harper Ave with clearcutting move" in the 1/30/08 edition of the HPH.

Herald's Chicken: A Deeper Shade of Yellow

posted by Peter Rossi

Just when you thought that the Herald's "coverage" of the closing of the Co-Op couldn't possibly get worse or more biased, the Herald surprises with "Co-Op Board Rejects Members Pleas" (lead story in the December 19th edition).

The idea here is that the Co-Op board, in honoring the clear majority of votes for option A , was rejecting the pleas and exhortations of barely 75 people attending the board meeting (see Richard Gill's recent post for an accurate account). Option A, you may recall, replaces the moribund Co-Op with a new grocer thanks to a multi-million dollar gift from the University of Chicago. The votes of some 3200 members don't count. We learn that they were duped by a slick PR campaign.

This is classic NIMBY logic -- only a few enlightened and privileged souls should lead our community. The rest are too gullible or too easily swayed by logical reasoning. The reality of the mountain of Co-Op debt, farcical mismanagement, and customer alienation be damned!

Who perpetrated this latest Herald outrage? There is no by-line. Perhaps, some poor Herald reporter, who was ordered to write this drivel, is trying to preserve hope for a career at a real newspaper. More likely, this story was written by heavy-handed Herald publisher, Bruce Sagan. It is ironic that Mr. Sagan asks others to stand up against the evil University but is unwilling stand up and be counted himself.

The self-congratulating reporting of "Hyde Park Businessman" Bruce Sagan's last minute, hollow offer of $500,000 is particularly amusing. Where was Mr. Sagan during the pledge drive? Will Mr. Sagan forgive the Co-Op's unpaid advertising bills? Two can play this game. I've decided to pledge $10,000,000 to the McGovern campaign of 1972 myself.

Of course, the Herald fails to note the courageous efforts of Co-Op board members (including some who were against option A) and Alderman Preckwinkle to patiently explain that the Co-Op is bust with its own members voting it out of existence. The Herald doesn't report the outrageous and unsubstantiated allegations of bribery and extortion that filled the air of the meeting.

The story is chocked full of quotes from a Mr. Mulberry making such outrageous statements as that Mr. Sagan could find "100,000" friends to contribute to the Co-Op. The Herald, through Mr. Mulberry, paints a picture of a populist grassroots campaign against the PR machine greased by the University. Herald forgets to note that the house organ, The Evergreen, was full of NIMBY nonsense on why you should vote for B and was sent to all members. Those in favor of Option A did not have access to this mailing list.

The splurge of yellow journalism ends with a thinly disguised threat of a "class action lawsuit." As usual, the Herald simply speculates, wistfully, about this and can't name any source. If this pipedream comes about, it will be interesting to learn how the "class" will be defined in the lawsuit -- all those who have suffered food poisoning from Co-Op purchases?

The Herald is one of the longest-lived neighborhood papers, providing endless examples of editorializing in the news pages. I offer a smattering of headlines from the past and wish everyone a very Happy Holiday:

(while none of these are actual headlines from the Herald, many are based very closely on actual headlines -- try to guess which ones these are)

"Herald Investigates: M.S.I. Coal Mine Revealed to be a Fake"

"University Eyes Englewood Ghetto"

"Nieman-Marcus Signs 47th Street Lease"

"City to Pave Over Point"

"Despres admits - 'I'm a Communist'"

"Herald Investigates: Alderman Receives Campaign Contribution"

"Point Revetment Predates European Settlement"

"Doctor's Hospital Missing Work of Louis Sullivan"

"Woodlawn Renamed Saul Bellow Drive"

"Borders Dooms Local Bookstores"

"Herald Investigates: SECC arm of University"

"Sacred Shrine Found in International House"

"Herald Investigates: Parking Spaces Disappear at Night"

"Flu Outbreak Linked to Mid-Rise Development"

"Antheus Capital Buys Rockefellar Chapel"

"Moresbach Donates Parking Space to City"

"57th Street Mailbox on 'Orange' Preservation Alert"

"HP Historical Society Endows NIMBY Center at U of C"

(answer: all of them, ho, ho, ho!)

Holiday Card to Bruce Sagan of the Hyde Park Herald

posted by chicago pop

Here's looking at you, kid!

Yours, Charles Foster Kane

Herald's Chicken: Are we all on the take?

posted by Peter Rossi

The news is grim. There is little hope for the Co-Op to go on turning over Hyde Park stomachs. To file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy, debt consolidation financing is required. Even the starry-eyed James Withrow admits that there is no hope for chapter 11. The rapacious University of Chicago sits like a vulture waiting to feast on the remains.

Look! Up in the sky! It's a can of soup. It's a pigeon. No. It's the Hyde Park Herald (December 5th edition) to the rescue. The Herald pulled a fast one with an unverified (of course) lead story that there is the possibility of a 2.5 million commercial loan to "bailout" the Co-Op. Those news hounds at the Herald beat a confession out of the Co-Op Board President that there had always been a commercial loan on the table.

I am sorry to let reality intrude on this pipe dream, but there are at least three catches:

1. there are conditions on the loan. The U of C must forgive the 1.2 million in back rent and Certified must allow themselves to be bought out of their 47st street lease on the cheap (for only one year's rent)

2. 2.5 million only goes half way to erase the mountain of Co-Op debt (more than 5 million)

3. The Co-Op must be a going concern. The myth started by Sir James is that the 55th street store makes a profit of 1 million per year. Our own Deep Throat exposed that bit of fancy. Not paying your rent can make even the anemic Co-Op look rosy.

By now, even the Herald editors must realize that no one really believes anything that the paper tosses out to stir up the pot. So the story goes on to spin the favorite conspiracy web. Here the villain is that sinister organization, the University of Chicago. An "aggressive and well-coordinated effort to convince Hyde Parkers to shut the Co-Op down" is afoot.

How do we know that the University is behind these fliers circulating around the neighborhood? The source, Hyde Park Co-Op manager Bruce Brandfon, says it is "likely that the University bankrolled this effort." The Herald fails to cite any actual evidence that the University is behind any of the recent efforts to persuade Co-Op members to vote for option A. It's bad enough to splash rumors on the front page but when the source of the rumor has a direct interest keep the Co-Op around so he can get paid for a few more months, you do want to scream.

The first to start pointing fingers at our fair University was James Withrow (who is employed by the University). Mr. Withrow accused the University of stuffing the "fact sheet" that was sent with the ballots down the throats of the Co-Op board. Mr. Withrow has since apologized for his error in his own private blog. So like many NIMBY conspiracy theories it has acquired a life of its own divorced from reality. In a recent email, prominent NIMBY Jay Mulberry aped the University theory stating without a shred of proof, "Option A is represented by a PR machine, financed by the University and supported by workers from Alderman Preckwinkle's office."

But what of it? If it is true that the University is lobbying Hyde Parkers to shutter the Co-Op, why aren't we all shouting-- Go Maroons!

It is hard to understand why the University comes out such a villain on the Co-Op. They have been most patient (some say financially irresponsible) in allowing the Co-Op to have a free line of credit for 1.2 million. They have offered to pay more than 5 million to bring a real grocery store into our neighborhood. The university competes on an national level for students and faculty. On this issue, the neighborhood and University interests are perfectly aligned. If the University wants to pay a subsidy to obtain a better quality grocery store than we would get otherwise, let them spend their money.

Our friends in the Herald editorial suite are mystified by the University. In their editorial, they wonder out loud why the University is so determined to bring a quality store to our neighborhood. Are the Herald editors too tightly wrapped in the NIMBY flag to see the obvious or are they too beholden to the Co-Op ad revenue and worried that Dominicks will not advertise in a tiny paper with an aging and shrinking readership?

Herald's Chicken: Co-Op Pledge Drive "Almost There"

posted by Peter Rossi

There is a light at the end of the tunnel for the debt-saddled Hyde Park Co-Op. The Co-Op web site proudly proclaims a total of $26,245 (as of December 1st) has been pledged by members to defray the debt. "We have been surprised at the support the neigborhood has shown us," reported maverick board member Jim Too-Tall Tail. "The pledges we have received so far top our total store revenue for November."

When asked by this Herald reporter why neighbors should support the dying Establishment institution, Mr. Tail responded "People give back in proportion to the contributions that the Co-Op has made to our community."

"The Co-Op's contributions to our community are intangibles that can't be measured by action but must be considered an ethos," added Mr. Tail.

The prospects for the success of the pledge drive are bright, according to Mr. Tail. "At this rate, we may reach $50,000 by the bankruptcy deadline of December 14th. Only the failed 'Save the Point' campaign has raised more money in our community than our drive."

"We hope this signals a return to the hey-day of community activism. Members of our community are putting narrow concerns for their own welfare behind them and reaching out in the cooperative spirit to ensure that we are all worse off."

Tale of the Tape
Co-Op Debt
1.2 million back rent to U of C
2.3 million owed to suppliers
0.685 million 47th store debt
1.01 million owed to Certified
Total: 5.195 million
Pledged: .026 million

"We expect that the fund raising drive will finish successfully around the year 2100," Mr. Tail asserted. "We feel very strongly that there are many lenders who will jump at the opportunity to extend us credit on the strength of this pledge cashflow."

In the past, my Herald's Chicken posts have been commentaries on or parodies of Herald coverage. However, the penchant for NIMBY points of view by Herald reporters and editors allows me to predict future Herald coverage. It is particularly easy to presage Herald articles as most articles do not involve any news content.

Herald's Chicken: Add Co-Op to List of Abandoned Buildings

posted by Peter Rossi

Hyde Parkers moved closer to adding the Co-Op store on 55th to the long list of shuttered and abandoned buildings in Hyde Park. Ignoring recommendations that the Co-Op accept a generous bail-out proposal in exchange for a replacement with an actual grocery store, Co-Op members shouted "Save the Co-Op" at a meeting last Sunday.

Boldly defying market forces and dry balance sheet statistics, many attending held out the panacea of bankruptcy as a way to save one of the oldest neighborhood Establishment institutions. These members were exhorted by two maverick Board members who were seen to be holding well-thumbed copies of The Rochdale Principles.

"Bankruptcy is a way to turn the rules of the Capitalists against them," commented member Ned I.M. B. Young, 99. "If the Co-Op files for bankruptcy, they can simply walk away from the 47 Street store lease." A Herald reporter reminded Mr. Young that Certified Grocers is both the Co-Op's landlord on 47th street and supplier for 55th. "Details, details, the people have spoken -- these suppliers will just have to give us free groceries until we get back on our feet."

Others at the meeting excoriated the Co-Op's landlord, the University of Chicago. "As rich as these people are, they can certainly afford to extend us another few millions to let the Co-Op continue to provide us with poor service, high prices and low quality produce," said local writer Curtis B. Misguided. "You need to suffer in order to be truly creative. The long Chicago winters, coupled with the Co-Op, have helped many of us do our best work."

Still others emphasized the preservation motive in taking the bankruptcy route. Freeze! Illinois chair, Daniel Buttress, explained that "we want to preserve buildings in the amber of the Hyde Park backwater. We have been very encouraged that Alderman Hairston has turned down proposals to replace Doctor's Hospital with a hotel. We have St. Stephen's, Doctor's Hospital, and the crumbling Point revetment on our list of historically significant, abandoned structures. If the Co-Op takes the bankruptcy route, it will be shuttered within a few months and we can add it to our list."

When asked why the Co-Op structure deserves the attention of preservationists, Mr. Buttress replied, "well, it is true that Co-Op was very badly rehabbed in 1999. But if we don't abandon poor architecture today, we will have nothing to preserve tomorrow!"

Some at the meeting noted that the "Save the Co-Op" campaign could be a boon to local environmentalists and recyclers. "We can recycle the rhetoric of the unsuccessful 'Save the Point' campaign for use here," according to Save the Point task force spokesman, Don Sheepish. "Even the 'Save the Point' bumperstickers can be reused by covering 'Point' with 'Co-Op.'We are going to use minimum wage dishwashers from the Cosimo's to help out with this task."

Whatever the outcome, many in the community welcome a rebirth of the unrealistic expectations, empty rhetoric, and financial irresponsibility that our community was once famous for. A group of members is preparing to chain themselves to Co-Op shopping carts, if the Co-Op turns over operations to another retailer.

Happy Thanksgiving from HPP!!

Herald's Chicken: Blow-up the Co-Op

posted by Peter Rossi

Another Hyde Park institution has succumbed to foul play on the part of profit-seeking capitalists. The Herald has learned that the Board of Directors will recommend that the Hyde Park Co-Op cave in to pressure from its landlord (boo, hiss) and pursue a "debt-workout" option that will mean the closing of the Co-Op. This option will mean that the Co-Op will be replaced by, horror of horrors, a store managed by those who seek to maximize profits.

Where is our community cooperative spirit? In past years, we have stood firm by our principles that we must endure low-quality produce, bad service, and high prices. Occasionally, the Co-Op sponsored worker solidarity events such as the shutting down of all cash registers for several months. We made our Soviet brothers, who suffered through the siege of Leningrad, proud.

We at the Herald are loath to point fingers, but there is a malaise in community cooperative spirit. We need to stand fast and cling to unrealistic goals. We hope to see a revival of our Quixotic spirit at the community meeting to be held this Sunday. Go forth and demand that we vote FOR keeping the Co-Op, whatever the financial reality is.

These capitalist stooges insist that the Co-Op doesn't have enough funds to continue in operation. This is silly; only last week we started a fundraising drive that has collected several old CTA bus tokens and campus bus tickets. Where is the Co-Op hiding all of the money they have extracted from the working class, the poor, and the elderly with their high prices?

The Board of the Co-Op insists that this is a meeting only for "members" of the Co-Op. Nonsense, the Co-Op is a community institution that we all have a stake in. Just make up a membership number, they have lost their membership records anyway.

We should be deeply suspicious of the machinations of the University of Chicago. This institution is not well-managed with any sense of fiscal responsibility. Who else would front our Co-Op 1.2 million? This is all a part of a secret plan to rob our community of the existential support that the Co-Op has given so generously over the years.

We should be prepared for the worst. The Forces of the Market are very powerful and we must prepare for the closing of our beloved Co-Op. No longer will small groups of community residents be allowed to control our grocery store. The new profit-hungry store will have to cater to ALL of its customers.

We must hold the community hostage and force the capitalists to beg for our precious store location. Let's wire up the old Co-Op and threaten to blow it up if we don't get a hand in selecting the new store owner. We can easily pile old, dry produce in aisle 8 and soak it with wine that has gone bad. A simple detonator based on friction generated by local activists would work nicely. Once the Co-Op is damaged by fire, we will have another trophy of community activism to add to the abandoned St. Stephen's church, shuttered Doctors Hospital, and crumbling Point revetment.

Comrades, spread the word. Only a few gifted thinkers and activists deserve to run our community.


This post is based on an editorial that appeared in the November 14, 2007 edition of the Herald. We at HPP are sorry to report that there are only minor differences between our spoof above and the actual editorial.

Herald's Chicken: A Change in Policy

posted by Peter Rossi

Hyde Park Herald Editor, Lucianno Lombardy, announced a change in the paper's long-standing policy of placing editorials on all pages of the newspaper. Starting with this week's issue (October 17, 2007), editorializing will be confined to the editorial page.

"In the past, we felt it necessary to infuse our stories with liberal editorializing," explained Lombardy. "We had an obligation to our NIMBY readership to keep the banner of protest flying."

"However, recent Blog developments have caused us to reconsider our policy. We are subject to close scrutiny -- we just can't get away with murder anymore." Lombardy also cited declining readership due to recent increases in the Hyde Park mortality rate.

Lombardy pointed to the long standing Herald practice of manufacturing misleading headlines. As an example, he cited the headline on the page one story on the Point, "Congress moves closer to funding Point study." "This headline loosely conveys the truth. Before our change in policy, we would have written "Congress approves limestone for the Point." Mr. Lombardy hastened to add --- "We still must have our fun. The headline is still misleading as no funding is made available by the Water Resources Development Act mentioned in the article -- this requires an appropriations bill."

Herald headline writer, Jack Hyde, was disciplined by the paper for his work on the lead headline "Co-op Launches Board Search." While true, the essence of the story is that the Co-op is in deep financial trouble, teetering on the brink of bankruptcy and has a negative equity. "We regret this mistake. Our staff is used to the old ways. It will take us some time to teach our dogs new tricks."

For those who are nostalgic for the Herald of the past, the editorial page still provides incoherent ramblings on current issues. Mr. Lombardy is particularly proud of this week's "Hospital Talks Must Include Residents."

"We understand that many in the community will wonder why we want to keep an ugly, mediocre building and keep jobs and a badly needed hotel out of our community. This is why we chose to confuse the issue by dragging out our favorite paranoid conspiracy theory- lack of community involvement. We like to contradict our own news coverage of community meetings on the Hospital. We are counting on the Alderman folding like she did on the Point."

Lombardy is considering a change in the paper's policy on letters to the editor. "In the past, we censored letters that represented views contrary to the NIMBY point of view. We were particularly vigilant about letters which indicated how widespread support is for progress in our community. We are giving serious thought to allowing different points of view. This might increase readership, but we still aren't sure."

However, Mr. Lombardy promises to keep the "Jack B. Nimby and Hans More-bucks" policy of allowing these writers unlimited space. "We have our traditions, we aren't giving up on all of them yet."

Keystone Co-op: Co-op Board Members Wanted, No Experience Necessary

posted by Peter Rossi

The Keystone Co-op looks to fill five vacancies on its Board of Directors, disclosed Board Chair, G. Blueberry. Recognizing the challenges facing new Board members, Mr. Blueberry stressed "no experience is necessary for Board membership. The only qualification is that you once were a Co-op shopper."

Barely solvent, the Co-op faces severe cash flow problems due to lease payments for the now shuttered satellite store at 2122 N. Clark Street. "Our parent company, White Star Grocers, is demanding that we pay 90,000 smackers a month or they will blast us," Mr. Blueberry added.

Mr. Blueberry stressed that the Co-op has an "angel" benefactor in Chicago University at the Golden Rectangle. The university has extended an indefinite grace period on rent payments for the chain's anchor store. "Without the financial malfeasance of this great institution, we couldn't stay open a day longer," said Mr. Blueberry.

Breaking with tradition, new board members will receive compensation. Mr. Blueberry promised new Board members will be treated to a shopping "spree" in the produce department at the end of each weekend.

While no experience is required, some skills will be useful as a Board member, according to Mr. Blueberry:

• experience in re-arranging deck chairs
• tolerance for strong fish smells
• total ignorance of Generally Accepted Accounting Standards
• a strong "strike" mentality, including an appreciation of Ben Shahn's art
• customer alienation skills ("unlike most retailers, we at the Co-op get to piss-off the customer more than once" explained Mr. Blueberry)

"We are looking for visionaries who can see beyond the mundane problem of providing quality products at good prices. We want those who are committed to the abstract ideal of buying cooperatives and who are deeply suspicious of the free market."

Herald's Chicken: Comatose Man Revived in Park

Late Wednesday, a comatose man was found and revived in Nichol's Park, Hyde Park Progress has learned.

According to a passerby, the man was sitting on a park bench, reading the October 3rd edition of the Hyde Park Herald. "He was reading the page one story about the building at the University that got the BOMB award for cleanest toilets. His eyes started to glaze over and he slumped forward."

The passerby became concerned and approached the man. "I suggested that he try page two. The headline about the HP-KFC book sale record briefly revived him. But, alas, he found out that there was no record set (books collected were merely higher than last year). He slipped away."

Alarmed, our model citizen called 911. One of Chicago's finest responded within 3 hours and quickly found a solution. After giving the man a ticket for loitering, the policeman took a Sun-Times from under his arm and helped the man find Jay Mariotti's column.

Hyde Park Herald publisher Bertram Sagacity is concerned. "This opens us for potential law suits from sleepy Hyde Parkers. I rarely read the rag myself; I prefer to count the money I make from the printing of the New York Times. Once in a great while, when my prescription for Ambien runs out, I glance at the paper."

Herald editor, Lucianno Lombardy, takes exception to the contention that the recent issue of the Herald is soporific. "We try our best to fabricate the most exciting community news."

EDITOR'S NOTE: be careful, it's dangerous out there!

Secret Identities, Part Deux

"I feel like I'm getting further away from it,*" readers were heard to cry, after the last Secret Identities post. Yet Chicago Pop remains elusive. So here's another image of Rossi, Fama, and C-Pop: kick-ass, and ready to train Dumbledore's Army in the difficult anti-nimby spell.

*(Lifted directly from the "Rural Juror" episode of 30 Rock.)

Herald's Chicken: Task Force to Save the "Co-op"

The Herald has learned that a community-based Task Force has been formed to preserve the Hyde Park Cooperative Society store at 55th and Lake Park Avenue. Task force co-chair Jack B. Nimby explained "The Co-op represents a unique shopping experience -- spoiled food and surly service -- which is fast disappearing from the American retail landscape. We want to preserve this for future generations."

The task force is in the "organizing stages" according to Mr. Nimby. Secret meetings are planned every Wednesday night at Cosimo's restaurant. The task force will hold a public meeting on the Winter Solstice at 2:15 pm at the Hyde Park Neighborhood Club.

The task force plans to cement community support for their drive to save the Co-op by circulating a petition. Ian A. M. White, Task Force co-chair in charge of propaganda, plans to ask community residents if they agree that "we don't want to lose our neighborhood grocery store." They plan on presenting their petition at the annual Trustee meeting of the University of Chicago and ask the University to establish an endowment to subsidize the operation of the Co-op. Endowment payout would be pegged to the current losses of some $840,000 per year.

"The University can afford to build expensive hotels and swanky housing for their students and visitors. Why can't they throw a little cash our way?" wonders Mr. Nimby.

Mr. White has also worked out a complete schedule of coverage for publication in the Herald. "We are putting the finishing touches on some really strong editorials that we are ghost writing for the Herald Editor."

The task force also plans to consolidate the Co-op's near monopoly position. "We realize that as long as even weak competitive forces are at play, the Co-op cannot decline to complete mediocrity," detailed Mr. Nimby. The task force plans on working with Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr to obtain exemption from the Sherman Anti-Trust Act for the Co-op. According to Task Force plans, University Police will search cars entering Hyde Park for Whole Foods, Dominick's and Trader Joes bags. "We want to eliminate the meddling of outsiders," said Mr. Nimby.

The Task Force is particularly disturbed by the Peapod Conspiracy Company's inroads. "This is unfair competition. With a few clicks, Hyde Parkers can order high quality groceries at lower prices than the Co-op. We want to level the playing field, " said Task Force spokesman Greg Trotsky. "The maddening thing is there is no legal recourse to exclude them from our turf." The Herald has learned that an affiliated organization is considering placing potatoes and bananas in the exhaust pipes of Peapod trucks but this rumor cannot be confirmed at press time.

Mirroring the "Save the Point" bumper sticker campaign, the Task Force plans to blanket Hyde Park with "Spoiled Rotten by the Co-op" bumper stickers. An earlier proposal of "I Shop the Co-op" was rejected as requiring too much commitment of supporters.

The Task Force has already attracted international attention to the Co-op. The Museum of the Burma Road has been searching for years for samples of fly-blown meat for their exhibit on the horrendous conditions endured by British and Australian POWs. "We have, at last, found a source for this important exhibit," the museum director was heard to say.

Mr Nimby is expecting great things to come. "We are just picking up steam and coming into full stride. We are looking forward to holding our first meeting sometime this fall. Aldermen Leslie Hairston and Toni Preckwinkle will be invited to grovel before the assembled task force."

EDITOR'S NOTE: This article bears as much resemblance to the truth as many Herald stories.

NIMBY Nightmare at the 53rd and Kenwood Crossing

Thank goodness...it was just a dream.

Preservationists Decry Loss of Historic Tree

Hyde Park preservationists are quickly galvanizing to demand re-installation of a historic tree removed by the Park District on Monday from the south side of Promontory Point.

BEFORE

AFTER

"I wouldn't have known about this, because I never spend any time at the Point," one of their members said, "but my friend saw the chipper truck from her apartment in the Promontory building and alerted me that something was afoot."

By the time he had biked there, the wanton destruction was already done.

"It's a terrible loss. The Park District should have consulted with the community before removing it. Restoration is always preferred to removal in cases like this. They even cut down the young trees that were growing between the limestone blocks. These details form the character of the Point, and should be preserved."

The group plans to camp out to protect the remaining weeds, even if they must stay through the first frost.

"We won't give up."