Herald's Chicken: Comatose Man Revived in Park

Late Wednesday, a comatose man was found and revived in Nichol's Park, Hyde Park Progress has learned.

According to a passerby, the man was sitting on a park bench, reading the October 3rd edition of the Hyde Park Herald. "He was reading the page one story about the building at the University that got the BOMB award for cleanest toilets. His eyes started to glaze over and he slumped forward."

The passerby became concerned and approached the man. "I suggested that he try page two. The headline about the HP-KFC book sale record briefly revived him. But, alas, he found out that there was no record set (books collected were merely higher than last year). He slipped away."

Alarmed, our model citizen called 911. One of Chicago's finest responded within 3 hours and quickly found a solution. After giving the man a ticket for loitering, the policeman took a Sun-Times from under his arm and helped the man find Jay Mariotti's column.

Hyde Park Herald publisher Bertram Sagacity is concerned. "This opens us for potential law suits from sleepy Hyde Parkers. I rarely read the rag myself; I prefer to count the money I make from the printing of the New York Times. Once in a great while, when my prescription for Ambien runs out, I glance at the paper."

Herald editor, Lucianno Lombardy, takes exception to the contention that the recent issue of the Herald is soporific. "We try our best to fabricate the most exciting community news."

EDITOR'S NOTE: be careful, it's dangerous out there!