Saturday, October 20, 2007

Keystone Co-op: Co-op Board Members Wanted, No Experience Necessary

posted by Peter Rossi

The Keystone Co-op looks to fill five vacancies on its Board of Directors, disclosed Board Chair, G. Blueberry. Recognizing the challenges facing new Board members, Mr. Blueberry stressed "no experience is necessary for Board membership. The only qualification is that you once were a Co-op shopper."

Barely solvent, the Co-op faces severe cash flow problems due to lease payments for the now shuttered satellite store at 2122 N. Clark Street. "Our parent company, White Star Grocers, is demanding that we pay 90,000 smackers a month or they will blast us," Mr. Blueberry added.

Mr. Blueberry stressed that the Co-op has an "angel" benefactor in Chicago University at the Golden Rectangle. The university has extended an indefinite grace period on rent payments for the chain's anchor store. "Without the financial malfeasance of this great institution, we couldn't stay open a day longer," said Mr. Blueberry.

Breaking with tradition, new board members will receive compensation. Mr. Blueberry promised new Board members will be treated to a shopping "spree" in the produce department at the end of each weekend.

While no experience is required, some skills will be useful as a Board member, according to Mr. Blueberry:

  • experience in re-arranging deck chairs
  • tolerance for strong fish smells
  • total ignorance of Generally Accepted Accounting Standards
  • a strong "strike" mentality, including an appreciation of Ben Shahn's art
  • customer alienation skills ("unlike most retailers, we at the Co-op get to piss-off the customer more than once" explained Mr. Blueberry)

"We are looking for visionaries who can see beyond the mundane problem of providing quality products at good prices. We want those who are committed to the abstract ideal of buying cooperatives and who are deeply suspicious of the free market."

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