Thursday, February 11, 2010

Local Sex Shop has Vibe Sale

posted by chicago pop

Vibe Sale at Drawers Intimates
1450 E. 52nd Street

Every neighborhood needs a decent sex shop, and perhaps none more so than rather top-heavy Hyde Park. Well, we have one, and they're glad to be here ("located in historic Hyde Park"), but not only that, they're having a major Vibe Sale.

Drawers Intimates was closed the bright winter morning I happened past their storefront signage, but this did not keep me from speculating, in true University of Chicago style, upon what might be the ideal-typical, theory-laden inventory of Vibes best suited to the Hyde Park market -- Vibes, that is, sold by an independent, small business, and custom-tailored to the unique clientele of our diverse and sophisticated neighborhood.

Number one on this inventory would be the black, vinyl-coated, and cordless Wrecking Ball, with two adjustable settings: one for "Harper Court" (Low) and another for "Doctors Hospital" (High). The Wrecking Ball would be perfect for aging NIMBY matriarchs who, though outwardly demure when pedaling their bicycles down 56th Street in long skirts and owlish glasses, fantasize (in stolen, private moments) of wanton acts of architectural demolition.

For the high-powered academic set -- and in particular for the misfit Men and Boys of the Committee on Social Thought -- we envision the pink, jelly-filled, and life-sized Platonic Boy, designed to provide years of durable consolation to terminal Masters students facing the bleak prospect of guaranteed academic unemployment, supervisory neglect, and endless revisions of their reactionary theses on Al Farabi. The Platonic Boy comes with detachable laurel wreath, an inflatable Greek vase (with insulated beer cup) cast in the 6th century Attic Style, and is equipped to utter Heroclitian aphorisms when embraced.

Likely to be the most popular item for the grass-roots and horticultural market segment would be the battery-powered (two lithium D cell rechargeable) Jack's Beanstalk. The Beanstalk, in the form of an organic -- and sizable -- community-grown, latex zucchini, would come with a set of three rotating "Promontory Point" attachments, a camel hair "vegetable brush," and a simulated "limestone block" extender. Unlike Platonic Boy, or the Wrecking Ball, Jack's Beanstalk can be left in plain sight on a kitchen countertop -- leaving the owner free from fear of the disapprobatory glances of children, friends and neighbors -- but also readily available for use in one of the many impromptu (and some might say "notorious") Hyde Park "vegetable parties."

Called away moments later by the obligations of the day, here ended my reflections upon this simple set of three ideal-typical Hyde Park Vibes. I hope they provide free inspiration and commercial success to another of our proud, local retailers committed to serving all of Hyde Park's needs. Feel free to suggest your own (or to contact me for questions of industrial design and patenting).


ScottM said...

I know asking this question makes me a complete prude, but how does a sex shop open one block away from a high school?

ladyjanewriter said...

Isn't it just easier to go to Craigslist, search m4m, and troll for a bit of fun in the stacks at the Reg?

Anonymous said...

top-heavy Hyde Park

So you're a boob man, eh C-Pop?

chicago pop said...

So you're a boob man, eh C-Pop?

C-Pop will preserve the veil of secrecy on this point. However, with reference to my description, one may borrow Greg's language and say that Hyde Park is "top-heavy" in boobs of the third kind, those suspended at the upper end of the vertebral column and enclosing a cerebellum rather than mammary glands.

Elizabeth Fama said...

I'm glad this post has your by-line and not mine, C-Pop.

susan said...

this post is mean.

edj said...

I'm not sure this post was necessary.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a good idea to have a sex shop nearby .. No one knows when an emergency may occur.